Destiny ...

One of my favorite grammatical shortcuts is the …  

You’ll find it regularly in my blog posts.  It’s one way to let the story end itself and give the reader latitude to write their own script and add their own twists.  I only wish there was a way that … could be deployed in real life. 

You see, I’m a bit of a control freak.  Some would say that’s a bit like calling the Pope a bit Catholic.  Ok, so I like control.  Don’t most people?  See, my defense mechanism is already kicking in.  But that’s why I struggle with terms like fate and faith – and destiny.  The idea that something greater than me is at work. 

I’m getting reacquainted with God for lots of reasons, really.  The first is that this is one of the biggest regrets Holly and I have as parents of our children.  That we didn’t expose them enough to God, religion and church.  So we’re trying to make up for lost ground.  Another reason is that we have fallen on challenging times.  With the loss of our primary income it’s put a lot of strain on the family.  Not outward strain, internal strain.  It’s a well known fact that people show more religious tendencies when going through challenging times.  Poor people are more religious than the rich, unemployed more than the employed, and broken families more than stable ones.  You get the point.  And one final reason for getting closer to God is I’m getting older.  Not old mind you, but older.  Not wiser either, just older.  I don’t feel infallible anymore. 

So back to the point I’ve thought more about my purpose in life in the last six months than I have in the last two decades.  And I’m no closer to the answer.  Frustrating as I so badly want to know my purpose and just get on with it.  Regardless of how humbling or challenging my purpose might be I just want to know.  That’s the crazy thing about fate, faith and destiny.  God knows it but you don’t.  You may think you do and then something happens.  Something big.  And you find yourself wandering and questioning why you are lost once again.  Well I’m getting too old for this shit. 

But that’s God’s way, or so I’ve been told.  Open your heart, open your mind, and let him guide and direct you.  Don’t become inanimate, but don’t fight it either.  There is a reason for the struggle, a reason for the strife, and you will come out of it stronger. 

I’m trying real hard to put my faith in God.  I do believe in him, that he has already written my book and I’m simply turning the pages.  Trying to write my own script, my own ending.

I’ve learned a lot over the past six months and yet I feel I now know less than I did before.  Less confident, not nearly as bold.  But maybe that’s what He wanted.

Until my purpose becomes clear, I’m just going to keep reading …