Making it work

Here here on the thoughts on marriage.  Nothing new from me, just a couple of my own thoughts.

I'm very thankful that early in our marriage Jennifer and I attended a couple of those extremely cheesy (for the most part) marriage enrichment seminars, because it taught us how to communicate.  I think communication is one of the things that can cause a lot of damage in a marriage if you don't follow some guidelines.

Some of these basic principles have really helped us in being able to talk through issues by actually sticking to the issue and not escalating.  That's not to say that we're perfect and things never get a little heated, but for the most part we can "argue" without the yelling and screaming.

DID YOU HEAR A WORD I JUST SAID? - Active listening is key to communicating in a relationship.  It's a little weird at first, but if you're not good at active listening, the "repeat back" method is a good one to ensure that you are actually hearing the other person.  In those cheesy seminars, we learned how to listen to the other person and then reply by saying, "What I'm hearing you say is that..."  At that point you repeat back what you just heard.  When you have to repeat back, it really forces to you listen to what the other person is saying.  It also gives the other person the opportunity to clarify if the message wasn't communicated correctly.  Amazingly, in and of itself, that will mitigate a lot of relational problems.  Often people just want to be heard. 

ONE AT A TIME - Another method that works in communication (especially when its heated) is having something that serves as the "talking stick".  If you're not holding the stick (or whatever you choose to use), you're not allowed to talk.  It ensures that only one person at a time is talking and you're not just talking over eachother. 

DON'T USE ABSOLUTES - Sentences that begin with the words, "You never..." or "You always..." are rarely, if EVER, true statements.  In the marriage context, those words will cause defenses to go up immediately so they're not helpful.  Again, we're not perfect, but Jennifer and I try very hard not to use those phrases.  When used, "always" is always inaccurate, and "never" is never accurate.  You see what I did there?  That is called wit my brothers.  Damn I'm good!

THINGS AS THEY RELATE TO ME - Another communication tool we learned is to talk about the other person's behavior in the context of how it makes YOU feel.  As an example, rather than saying, "I hate when you don't take off your shoes in the house," a better way would be to say, "When you don't take your shoes off in the house, it makes me feel like you don't care about the time that I spend cleaning the house every week."  It changes things from hating a behavior to a relational concern. 

WHY YOU BRINGIN' UP OLD SHIT?  -  Stick to the issue at hand, and don't dredge up old arguments in the process.  Usually when people bring up old issues rather than sticking to the one at hand it is because they are trying to change the argument into a personal attack.  When you attack the person about things that don't have anything to do with the topic, you're no longer communicating and it's probably going to escalate.  Stick to the issue!

WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?  -  Name calling is an absolute no go.  It serves no purpose.  It only escalates the argument and attacks and belittles the other person.  Don't do it.

Those six communcation tools have been pretty effective for us.  However, I do agree with both of you in that every relationship is different and couples need to figure out what works for them.  That will take some work, but as Brad said, that's what you need to do: work at it. 

Two more things:  First, compromise.  In my opinion, its unlikely that a couple will be able to come to agreement on everything in life.  Someone has to give, and preferably both are going to give a little.  It's not personal weakness to compromise, it's personal strength to be willing to do so.  Second, getting out is not an option.  I know that sounds like lip service to a lot of people, but I've always believed that if you know you're stuck with that person (as bad as that sounds) good or bad, you will be willing to put in the time to make it good rather than bad.  So many marriages fail, I think, because if there is already a "better" option waiting on the other side (in other words, they already are in a relationship with someone else) then there's no incentive to work on the current relationship.  It makes it too easy to walk away.  When things get ugly in marriage, if there is an "emergency exit" door, people are going to take it.  Please don't take my words to the extreme... I'm not applying this principle to abusive relationships, etc.  Just making a general principle.

I'm very thankful that we've not had to deal with divorce in our immediate family.  Here's hoping that we never will!