Marc on workouts, toilets, and insanity

I can't stay consistent in working out to save my life. When I was in the best shape of my life about a year and a half ago, I swore that I would never go back. I managed to control my diet, exercise almost daily and I felt great about myself. And then it all fell apart. I can't even point to a specific incident, but the old ways just kind of crept back in. And here I am. Right back to my normal lethargic self.

Like a lot of things, I think the only way I'll ever stay with it is to do it in community. I just don't have the discipline to do it on my own. If I had a group of people to do some type of physical activity with on a regular basis I think I could do it. Maybe a group of guys my age who want to play basketball three or four times a week; a group to run with, ride bike, play tennis... something. The bottom line is that I don't know if I'll EVER have the discipline to do it on my own. Signing up for events certainly helps, because I don't want to die doing them and I'm too cheap to bail out on it if I paid money for it. RAGBRAI anyone??? By the way, a naked Lance Armstrong didn't motivate me to do anything. Caused a little bit of reflux I think.

I almost shit my pants (hehe) when I read your blog about bathroom etiquette, including Brad's response! "Ed, roll the potty humor tape..."

Have you ever had a comfortable conversation in the bathroom? Heck no man! Chit chat in the bathroom should be limited to "What's up?" and nothing more. Some people get chatty when they're drunk. It happens. Don't make a habit of it. When you're at the urinal, what you do with your eyes is your business. But keep in mind, this isn't the meat counter at the supermarket. Have you ever been in those places that put the newspaper up on the wall over the urinals? I love that. Look smart while you relieve the pressure on the hose. Plus, it takes away that awkwardness of deciding whether or not to talk with the guy 18 inches to your right.

Do the math gents. Go to the urinal that has the least odds of having the next guy standing right next to you. If there are three urinals and you take the middle one, the next dude has no choice but to snuggle up next to you. The odds are 100%. But if you take the one on the left or the right, there's only a 50% chance that he'll end up next to you. Much better odds.

Pulling your pants down? What? If you're older than three years old and pulling your pants all the way down to take a piss, you're probably wearing a helmet with "Hello Kitty" stickers on it, too. No, no, and no. Unless you're in the stall taking a dump, there's no need to show any crack.

Speaking of which, why is it that so many men are resistant to taking a piss in the toilet stall of a public bathroom? I'm yet to meet a guy who has a urinal in his house (although that would be awesome) so why do men stand in line for a urinal in the public restroom? The only related question that I have concerns the door if you're pissing in the stall. Are you obligated to close and lock the door if you're just pissing? I don't. I leave it open. It's not like you're seeing anything different than you see at the urinal.

What about spitting? Why do so many men spit before they piss in a public restroom? Are you lubing the toilet or what? I think it's hilarious.

No time for reading man. It's like a covert strike operation deep in enemy territory. You don't want to hang around in a public toilet stall. Get in, get it done, and get out. Reading material only distracts you from the primary objective, which is to plant a bomb, right?

I'm not a germaphobe, so I don't flush with my foot. I operate the HAND-le with my hand. Any serious diseases floating around in the bathroom I probably picked up on the door handle walking in so I'm not too worried. That's what soap is for. I have to admit, unless it's obviously disgusting, I'm a bareback guy. I don't like the paper on the seat; it sticks to my ass and then I worry and pissing and/or pooping on the paper and having a real mess on my hands (literally). I take the toilet paper, give the seat a wipe down and go at it. As far as I know I haven't contracted AIDS yet.

I forgot something... gum in the urinal? C'mon. Can anyone explain that phenomenon? Anyone? Is it a target? Is the urinal dinner mint not enough of a target? Or is it that you risk splashback if you play the target game with the huge dinner mint, so you add the gum as a secondary? You know it's happened to you (the splashback), and it's the worst with khaki pants.

Geez, I'm just getting started. This might have to be a two-part event. We haven't even talked about the Seinfeld dilemma: peeing in the shower.

I just can't stop laughing about fog. Seriously, that is some funny stuff Brad. You were losing sleep over that? I'm still laughing. I want to know what you were thinking when you looked at those notes today. You are insane my brother.