Moving sucks

Ed, I certainly can empathize with you guys in your change of your entire way of life.  You would think that after moving so many times, it would get easier as most things do after you do it repeatedly.  But I must say that hasn't been the case for Jennifer and me.  It seems to get harder every time.  Maybe it has something to do with what you mentioned Ed, that as we get older it gets harder to deal with change.

You've identified, through your personal experience, many of the difficulties with a move, and I think the biggest one is the social networks.  You hit the nail on the head when you said that in a sense you have an automatic or instant social network because of your work.  I don't have any experience in the civilian corporate world but I'm guessing that as a SVP you are "accepted" to a certain degree right out of the gate.  That helps with your transition, but unfortunately does very little to make the transition easier for Holly and the kids.  It's not like they can go to work with you every day.

Jennifer and I usually try to reestablish a social network through church.  That's always where we've found it easiest to be accepted quickly and establish authentic relationships.  Different things work for different people, but I think it's important to try and establish a similar environment to what you had previously.  I know that the swim club that you want the kids in has a long wait, but if it was me, I would find another swim venue in the mean time.  Swimming on a regular basis will provide some familiarity for them, and the physical exertion will help alleviate anxiety as well.  Hopefully the kids will find friends and activities through school as well.  That will probably happen naturally considering how awesome your kids are.

I imagine the person who is struggling the most is Holly.  She doesn't have a salon or clients, no colleagues to see every day, etc.  Because of all the flux she also probably isn't able to balance five insane schedules perfectly as she did in KC, and I'm sure that provided a significant boost to her self-worth.  I have no doubt that it won't be long until she is back there again, but in the mean time, I'm sure it's incredibly difficult for her.  Jennifer has struggled the past couple of times that we've moved in that critical time between having the house set up and finding employment.  At least until the house is set up there is some distraction, a job to stay engaged in, but once that's done, there is nothing to do but face the reality of a new life in a new place.

The hardest part of moving is the loss of friendships.  I don't care what anybody says (I don't mean to be a debby downer here), but long distance relationships just don't work.  With all of the media and tools available today like Facebook, Skype, Facetime, email, texting, etc, friendships through digital bits and bytes just isn't the same - it can't fill the void.  People find satisfaction in face to face relationships, and unfortunately with a move, those have to be established anew.  I think we can all attest that it's nice to talk on the phone or to discuss things through the blog, but there's nothing like getting together as a family or for a brothers weekend.  If it wasn't any better than Skype, we wouldn't ever spend the money for plane tickets and use vacation time to see each other.  That is the most difficult loss during a move.

I wish I had some magic answers to make the transition easier, but as you noted, change is hard.  If I made any recommendations, it would be to be very intentional about establishing friendships.  Everyone wants to "play it cool", but don't wait until your house is perfect to invite people over to dinner.  Since you are in a brand new place, I would try to establish some new family traditions.  Sometimes trying to make everything exactly the way it was before just makes the reminder of things missed more poignant, so establish some new things that will make the family appreciate the new environment.

My last recommendation would be to give everyone time to grieve the loss of life in KC.  No matter how awesome Denver may be or will become, you all lost something when you left KC.  You lost the life that you knew, and everyone loss takes a time of grieving.  The timeline is different for different people.  Let Holly, the kids, and yourself express those feelings of loss.  "It's time to get over it and move on" is NEVER the right answer for someone who is grieving.  You may be aware of this concept from change management theories in the business world.  You have to allow people to grieve the loss.

I'm always amazed by the unseen transition that happens over time.  Things probably feel really strange in your new home right now, but one day you'll find yourself in Atlanta or Amsterdam, and you'll think about how you miss home and can't wait to go home, and the place that you'll picture in your head will be Parker and your house there.  And you'll try to figure out when exactly you started to feel like it was home, but you won't be able to identify that point.  It just happens over time.

I feel for you guys, but I know you'll get through it.  I know that you're thrilled to be so happily employed, but just remember that you don't have to convince yourself that it's wrong to miss some things from life in KC.  KC will be a part of your life forever!