Marc on workouts, toilets, and insanity

I can't stay consistent in working out to save my life. When I was in the best shape of my life about a year and a half ago, I swore that I would never go back. I managed to control my diet, exercise almost daily and I felt great about myself. And then it all fell apart. I can't even point to a specific incident, but the old ways just kind of crept back in. And here I am. Right back to my normal lethargic self.

Like a lot of things, I think the only way I'll ever stay with it is to do it in community. I just don't have the discipline to do it on my own. If I had a group of people to do some type of physical activity with on a regular basis I think I could do it. Maybe a group of guys my age who want to play basketball three or four times a week; a group to run with, ride bike, play tennis... something. The bottom line is that I don't know if I'll EVER have the discipline to do it on my own. Signing up for events certainly helps, because I don't want to die doing them and I'm too cheap to bail out on it if I paid money for it. RAGBRAI anyone??? By the way, a naked Lance Armstrong didn't motivate me to do anything. Caused a little bit of reflux I think.

I almost shit my pants (hehe) when I read your blog about bathroom etiquette, including Brad's response! "Ed, roll the potty humor tape..."

Have you ever had a comfortable conversation in the bathroom? Heck no man! Chit chat in the bathroom should be limited to "What's up?" and nothing more. Some people get chatty when they're drunk. It happens. Don't make a habit of it. When you're at the urinal, what you do with your eyes is your business. But keep in mind, this isn't the meat counter at the supermarket. Have you ever been in those places that put the newspaper up on the wall over the urinals? I love that. Look smart while you relieve the pressure on the hose. Plus, it takes away that awkwardness of deciding whether or not to talk with the guy 18 inches to your right.

Do the math gents. Go to the urinal that has the least odds of having the next guy standing right next to you. If there are three urinals and you take the middle one, the next dude has no choice but to snuggle up next to you. The odds are 100%. But if you take the one on the left or the right, there's only a 50% chance that he'll end up next to you. Much better odds.

Pulling your pants down? What? If you're older than three years old and pulling your pants all the way down to take a piss, you're probably wearing a helmet with "Hello Kitty" stickers on it, too. No, no, and no. Unless you're in the stall taking a dump, there's no need to show any crack.

Speaking of which, why is it that so many men are resistant to taking a piss in the toilet stall of a public bathroom? I'm yet to meet a guy who has a urinal in his house (although that would be awesome) so why do men stand in line for a urinal in the public restroom? The only related question that I have concerns the door if you're pissing in the stall. Are you obligated to close and lock the door if you're just pissing? I don't. I leave it open. It's not like you're seeing anything different than you see at the urinal.

What about spitting? Why do so many men spit before they piss in a public restroom? Are you lubing the toilet or what? I think it's hilarious.

No time for reading man. It's like a covert strike operation deep in enemy territory. You don't want to hang around in a public toilet stall. Get in, get it done, and get out. Reading material only distracts you from the primary objective, which is to plant a bomb, right?

I'm not a germaphobe, so I don't flush with my foot. I operate the HAND-le with my hand. Any serious diseases floating around in the bathroom I probably picked up on the door handle walking in so I'm not too worried. That's what soap is for. I have to admit, unless it's obviously disgusting, I'm a bareback guy. I don't like the paper on the seat; it sticks to my ass and then I worry and pissing and/or pooping on the paper and having a real mess on my hands (literally). I take the toilet paper, give the seat a wipe down and go at it. As far as I know I haven't contracted AIDS yet.

I forgot something... gum in the urinal? C'mon. Can anyone explain that phenomenon? Anyone? Is it a target? Is the urinal dinner mint not enough of a target? Or is it that you risk splashback if you play the target game with the huge dinner mint, so you add the gum as a secondary? You know it's happened to you (the splashback), and it's the worst with khaki pants.

Geez, I'm just getting started. This might have to be a two-part event. We haven't even talked about the Seinfeld dilemma: peeing in the shower.

I just can't stop laughing about fog. Seriously, that is some funny stuff Brad. You were losing sleep over that? I'm still laughing. I want to know what you were thinking when you looked at those notes today. You are insane my brother.

The brain won't stop

Do you ever wake up in the night or are unable to fall asleep because some collection of thoughts won't quit? Well it happens to me. My solution is to get out of bed, write those thoughts down, and go to sleep and leave them to be dealt with another time. Mostly they are about work, but occasionally they are not. Last night, in bed, and this collection of thoughts would not let me sleep. So I jotted them down and went to bed. I typed them up tonight, organized them a bit, and AHA! I'm now an author of my first poem. Enjoy...

The Fog
A fog descends over me this day, a most exhilarating of sensations
Emphasizing the limited viewpoint and demanding intense focus on what presents
Focus on the precious little detail of the environment around me
Fog obscures my reality, diminishing my principal tool sight
Forced to feel my way through the dense stillness
Biding time for the sun to set free my senses and illuminate the path

A fog descends over me this night, a tranquility and calmness
My ship does not sail amidst the persistence in the harbor
The moon portrays an unwilling ally, accentuating shadows of uncertainty
Unable to free the ship from its mooring
Useless to resist I must embrace the rare instant in a harried life
The peace of a cool mist settling atop a sail to be unfurled at daybreak

This companion fog masking where my path may lead
The mountaineer remains tethered able to progress despite the headlong storm
Or do these tethers of security feel like shackles binding me
Binding me to uncertainty, what brings this path yet to be
My person, my spirit meandering towards an uncertain destination
Another stride on the journey with my one true and loyal companion

Brad on the Bathroom

This is an utterly ridiculous topic. The bottom line (get it?...bottom) is that attempts at discretion in the bathroom are always appropriate and lessen the chances of awkward situations. A few examples include:

1. Don't go in there and colon blow. If you have to make that much noise you are either trying to hard or should be in a stall with a door. If it happens so be it, but there's no need to "announce your presence with authority".

2. And don't go in there being Johnny Tarmak. Going is important and so is the call with your wife. Life's full of tough choices and its time for you to make one.

3. And don't go in there for social time. You can press pause on the conversation with a buddy for 90 seconds. And if you want to talk with a stranger, there are plenty outside the bathroom in the movie theatre lobby or the airport terminal, and they aren't holding a penis in their hand.

Not included under the umbrella of discretion is interactions of genuine need. If you enter and throw some bombs only to find out you have no TP, it is perfectly reasonable to ask for some help. Who doesn't want to help a person in need?

And lastly, I'm not a germophobe. That newspaper on the floor doesn't scare me one bit. Neither does the one tucked neatly behind the flushing mechanism. How else would you decide which is the right stall for you?

Like I said, utterly ridiculous...

Bathroom Etiquette (yes, I'm going there!)

Ok, so I told Marc a recent story about an experience I had in a bathroom, and it enticed me to discuss the undiscussable. I really am wondering about this topic, and people's willingness to share their personal experience and knowledge on the subject, so here goes ...

I'm sure you have all seen the Seinfeld episode of "can you spare a square" with Elaine pleading the person in the stall next to her for some TP?

Well, aside from this I find that one of the most likely places for good humor and strange events is the bathroom. It's a place where proper conduct is the least understood and oftentimes most violated.

Here's an appetizer:

1. Can you speak with another man standing next to you in the stall? Does this rule apply only if there is a "privacy panel" or if you already know the person? Can you just say hello, how's it hangin'?

2. When having this discussion, do you look at the wall straight ahead, perhaps for some graphitti (sp?) a.k.a. for a good time call 867-5309, or are you allowed to make eye contact. What about jokes, are they appropriate?

3. What about those who pull their pants/trousers all the way down vs. those who just unzip. What is the proper protocol? Does it vary based on the formality of the event?

4. Can one fart when standing up at the stall? Is that acceptable? Do you go stealth or blow your horn? What about if there is a line directly behind you?

5. And cell phone use? I'll come back to this one but I believe it fair to say that it's a lot like driving. One should refrain from texting or talking on the phone while in the act. No one is this busy are they?

Number 2 stalls offer even more awkward moments:

1. When someone in the stall next to you is really "clearing the pipes" can you move your legs away from that adjacent stall?

2. Can you personally really let go if you need to or is it more polite to smoothly and quietly as possible take care of your business?

3. How much TP is appropriate? One square ... CMON! 4, 5, 15, 20? Does it depend on the size of your hand, the size of your poop, the size of your bum, or what?

4. How about the paper or plastic issue? What do you use to cover the toilet seat? Or do you go bareback?

5. What about the free reading offered in some stalls. Now if it's on the floor, suffice to say "no way". However, what if hanging nicely on the rail, or stuffed in the crack between the TP holder and the stall?

See!!! I'm sure for those of you that have endured in reading this far that these are intriguing questions to contemplate. For those that didn't make it this far they are just plain gross. But in the interest of casting away the mystique and educating others, don't we owe a little blogging to such topics?

These are the nagging and often misunderstood mysteries of toilet etiquette. Lots of material for a Seinfeld or any other sitcom willing to push the envelope. For anyone willing to share, please do.

Training vs. Working Out

No sound advice here. I've been living the no training/work out regimen for a decade or so. Seems that the best thing I can do is the stuff that I love. Unfortunately, I don't love running, and that's probably close to the best thing you can do to stay in shape. Another ... swimming. While I like swimming and believe I would generally enjoy the quick gains of 30 solid minutes in a pool 3/4 days per week, the convenience excuse raises its ugly head.

Yeah, the short answer is that I've struggled with the same. However, when the kids are active at home, I tend to be active at home. It's surprising the exercise that can come from hanging out with 13/10/8 year olds for an afternoon. They aren't thin just because they're young. They also burn some serious calories!

And while exercise is part of the issue with mid-life weight gain, the other is diet. That's been the hardest for me. I love to eat, and generally if it's not good for you I eat a lot of it! I've adapted reasonably well over recent years but the helpings/portion sizes are still too big. If I could make the portion size shift, and get to the gym (to do anything) three days per week (twice during the week, once during the weekend) I would probably drop 10 pounds. That would keep me comfortably where I need to be to feel good about my fitness.

Well, I say we each make commitments to fitness. Any old commitment will do. This doesn't need to be a competition, you know I'm not much for that kind of stuff anyway!

I would like to note at this point that I have the most legitimate excuses for avoiding this ... oldest, heaviest, most kids, hardest job (c'mon you both know it) and I'm the most skilled orator. Boy, I hope I spelled that correctly. You get the idea.

Let the negotiations begin!

Brad on Sentiment & Poetry

I apologize for being so late in responding, but wanted to add a story. I cannot contribute in a meaninful way to the majority of the conversation on this topic, but wanted to add one story that is one of the few actual memories I have of Grandpa Birchard. Grandpa loved baseball and it was constantly on his TV. I happened to be at their house watching baseball with him when Pete Rose got his record breaking 4,192nd hit. The date was 9/11/85. It will be an enduring moment in sports history and to have that be one of the few memories I have of Grandpa is really cool for me.

Training v. working out

Okay, so I’ve always enjoyed being in the gym, sweating a bunch and staying in shape. I’ve accomplished my racing goals by being disciplined. Staying committed over months allowed me to successfully complete a variety of endurance races, my proudest being a marathon in 2004 and half ironman triathlon in 2006. That was then, this is now…
Perhaps it is my advanced age, perhaps the increased professional responsibilities, or maybe it is the beautiful little 17 month old I now have, but I have a hard time “working out” anymore. For more than a year, I’ve tried (and failed) to stay in shape by working out consistently. The problem is if I don’t have a race on the horizon and a training program in front of me, I can’t get it done. My workout regimen is feast or famine.
So I appeal to anyone who can help…what’s the secret to moderation in working out? How can I work out consistently and stay in shape without a 12 week training plan? Of note, I am working out feverishly and consistently right now because I have two half marathons scheduled, the Indy Mini in Indianapolis on May 8th and the Dam to Dam in Des Moines on June 5th.